the graveyard.

The title of this blog (the ship graveyard), was taken from something I wrote once in German, but I liked the sound of it. It seems to have been an apt name for this blog though, since it always seems to be buried, and forgotten. I am, however, going to make an attempt to keep it going.

I now live in Tucson, pursuing a doctoral degree in genetics, and it seems to be going fairly well so far. I am enjoying it here, despite the heat, I even miss the rain, and will definitely miss the fall, and the change in color. It is cooling down here (at least at night), and I am beginning to settle down a bit.

I am still amazed. I am being payed for going to school, and it's something I really enjoy (for the most part), I will like it more once I settle down in a lab, but I'm glad for the rotations, it allows me to gain experience in places I might not otherwise be able to experience. Next rotation I'm going to be in a biochem lab, and I am by no means a biochemist. But it's exciting, and I look forward to have some experience working in that environment, even if it is only for six weeks.

I am enjoying where I live (with two other people, a dog, and a cat). I am enjoying my program (I kind of wish I had more than one class right now though). and it's neat living in the desert, but I am definitely missing PDX, and Oregon in general. But this is where I am for the next foreseeable future, and I hope to make the most of it.

lions say 'ROAR!'

I just returned home from my parents house tonight, where we had early Christmas. It's always nice when the whole family is together. Even though we've already celebrated Christmas, the prospect of not having anything planned for Christmas proper is a little sad. In Germany, I spent new-years alone (a little bit different from Christmas), and it was kind of nice. I spent the evening reading a book (The island of the day before - by Umberto Eco). I finished the book about five minutes before midnight, and went for a walk. It was a cold foggy night, and everywhere I walked people were setting off fire crackers, and it started snowing right at midnight. It was a peaceful way to bring in the new-years, walking through the fog, snow, and the smell of gunpowder.

It seems strange to me that this year is just about over. It never ceases to amaze me how fast time can seem to go. I know a lot is different from this last January, and a lot has happened this last year, but at the same time I feel that nothing much has happened, or changed.
It has been both a really good year, and really challenging. There are things that I wished never happened, but since they did I hope never to forget them. There are things that I am still in awe over, and things I can still hardly believe. But this year isn't (quite) over yet!

As much as things have changed, things continue to change, no matter what, time drags on. I want time to slow down and let me sit for a minute, and I'm not allowed. I become anxious, and want to move along more quickly, and time won't let me. I am so excited, and so scared about this coming year, I almost don't want it to arrive, but it will, and I will walk through it (hopefully prepared and ready to face what comes, though it will come even if I'm not). I guess I still have to finish this year, and I suppose I might as well make the most of it while it's here.

12/15 at 12:15

It's already mid December, it feels like it was just recently way to hot to go outside, and that I was just starting here in the lab. Though that's now five months past, I feel like I haven't really made any progress (though I do feel like I have somewhat a handle on things, my experiments just don't seem to come out). I have recently been having not the greatest of times, and feeling rather discouraged all in all.

In the beginning of November I took the Biochemistry GRE, and last weekend I took the General test. Having now received my scores from both test, I am not too impressed with my self, and as I am in the process of applying to a plethora of schools (which is costing me quite a bit), I am now a little concerned about whether I'll be accepted to any at all.

I wouldn't say that I think I'm stupid, but sometimes (or often) I feel like the amount others think that I know far exceeds the amount that I actually know, and results in me with a sensation of being a fake. I do enjoy what I do, and the learning of the biology, but at the moment I am feeling that perhaps I am not cut for this.

After spending my entire life debating whether I should pursue biology or not, and I finally do, and now I feel like it was a mistake. The problem is that now I don't think I'm cut out for anything else.

I think this is a slightly dramatic post, so I will end it now.

the weather has also turned to being wet, and I miss the dry cold.

having finished my 16th term of college.

Today is the eleventh of December, 2009, and I am one third of the way through my last year as an undergrad. I have also submitted two thirds of my applications for grad schools. It's a little sad, and also exciting, to think that this may be my last year in Portland. I would hope that I will be back sometime (at least to visit).

This past time has been a bit hectic I feel. Since I returned from Germany, I haven't really had a whole lot of downtime. I took summer classes (for the first time), and straight away after that I started working in the lab. All the breaks I have had seem to have been too short to really be considered breaks, or I was busy doing stuff, or otherwise preoccupied. And I have a sense that once I begin on my PhD, it will be much the same for the next five years or so, and perhaps ad infinitum. I guess I'm not really complaining (of course I am really), but I do enjoy it, whether it's good or not, I find I know less and less what to do when I'm not doing something, in my free time (more and more) I find myself working, and not just relaxing, and the more I do, the faster time seems to go.

I'm not saying I'm always working, and don't know how to relax (I even started reading a book yesterday) anymore, but even with doing so many things, I don't often feel super productive, so I don't know about that. But I am REALLY glad this term is finally over. Most of my classes were fine, but American revolution (though interesting) required way to much time input (that I didn't really have the time for, or rather I needed that time for more important things). As long as I walk away with a passing grade, that's fine with me. Also, as of now, I am done with bio classes until I start my grad work. It's kind of a weird thing, it's not that I'll really get away from biology (and not that I want to either), but that I'm done with my major classes (for the important major anyway), it's a little bit of a strange thing. The end of this term also brings an end to application stuff (mostly, though the others won't take long to get finished and sent out), and after the thirteenth, I'll be done with all my GREs.

I hope everyone is enjoying the cold and the holidays!

November 15th, 2009

here is a new post, the second, I think, since I've been back from Germany (a year and a half ago, almost).
I'm finally almost done with my undergrad, only this year left, and all my courses seem more-or-less laid out. right now though, I'm procrastinating. I really should be working on a paper for thursday (American Revolution stuff), or I could be working on applications (I'm getting ready to apply for PhD programs, or I could study for a midterm tomorrow, but instead, I decided to post on here for some reason.

It's kind of exciting, soon I'll be done my bachelors, and get to move on to a new adventure. It's kind of sad though, I feel like I've just lately been really establishing myself in Portland (it only took four years, though to be fair I was away for a year during that time). But it's still a little sad, and happy.

I realized I've never really lived in a place unlike Oregon, since I've only lived in Oregon, and Germany (which climate wise is a lot like here, even if culturally it's a lot different). But until I know exactly where I'll end up for grad school (I'm applying for nine programs in the US, and one in Germany), I can't really start preparing for it. I do have some time though, for if I do get accepted, I won't be starting until the fall of 2010. a lot to look forward to, and a lot to do in the meantime.

I've also been working in a lab at school since july, it's pretty great.

-andrew stewart

week five

I don't do much posting here anymore (though I don't know if I ever did a lot). It's already week five of spring term. sometimes it feels like I just got back from Germany, but that's 10 months ago. Currently I'm just doing classes mostly, I was rowing, but because of a midterm conflict with the championships, I couldn't go, which just meant I was done early. I feel like I have so much more time now, but I'm not really doing a lot more, though I'm starting intramural soccer this evening. I think that should be pretty fun.

a return.

It's been a while since I posted on here, I guess I kind of forgot about it. The last time was when I was still in Germany, and that's already been a while now. I think I'm more or less settled back into being in Portland again, and I like it here, but I still, occasionally, wish I was back in Germany. Today was my last final for fall term (Genetics). I'm glad for the break (I'll be going down to San Diego in a few weeks), but I'm also excited for next term. I'll be taking Advanced German, intro to Linguistics, Pathological Bacteriology, and Virology (I've even bought the books for all but Virology today). and I'll try to be better about keeping this updated.

-andrew